11 Weeks Home (long post)

I know I have been going a long time in between posts.  I've had the hardest time finding words to express these past almost 3 months.  Not because there aren't many things to share but because it all feels so natural it just seems like normal day to day stuff and I struggle putting that into words.

I know before we brought the kids home I scoured the web looking for blogs and information on adopted kids, especially internationally adopted kids and most importantly kids adopted from Ghana.  I admire those that have kept their blogs going post adoption and seem to have the ability to express their day to day lives with words.  I also know that there are many families in the adoption process who can benefit from our experiences and our post adoption lives.  I want to share and encourage or help in any way I can.  With that in mind I will try to post more often!

I thought I would write today a little bit about each of our kids and their first 11 weeks home.

Abigail:

Abi is an amazing girl.  She is 9 1/2 years old and part little girl, part almost tween and part grown woman.  The little girl part of her still wants/needs many hugs, adores her Daddy, models what I do and still needs tucked in at night with lots of hugs and kisses.   The tween part of her can be stubborn and moody, loves hanging out with girls her age, loves pretty clothes and wants to be more independent than the little girl part of her will allow.  The part of her that seems very much like a grown woman is her soul.  Abi can say the most wise and deep things.  She understands human behavior better than many adults.  She is an extremely compassionate girl and her first thought is always how she can help someone else or make another person feel better.  Abi is very smart and very athletic. 

Her first 11 weeks home have been FULL of firsts, learning experiences and change just like any adopted child.  What amazes me is how she takes all of this in stride.  She just dives in and moves forward.  They started school about one week after arriving home and Abi just walked right into that classroom and joined in like she had always been there.  She made friends fast, joined in activities that were already in progress, learned all the songs for a school program a couple weeks later and of course her teachers adored her.  She's an adorable girl! 

Some of her challenges the first few weeks were being willing to try new foods, learning to not completely shut down and pout EVERY time something didn't go her way, learning not to throw huge loud temper tantrums (there have only been 3 of these but still....she is learning not to handle things that way) and overcoming some of the gaps in school especially reading and writing in English. 

Abi handles many challenges in her life with humor.  We are so thankful for that because we are that way many times.  She can laugh at herself or the situation and then buckle down and figure it out.  She's going to earn huge amounts of respect throughout her life for this trait.

Now some pictures of our amazing Daughter:

Learning to ride a bike

On the shuttle to their first Rockies game

At my Mom's in Denver trying out the goggles for swimming!

Joseph:

Our fiercely competitive and ultra soft hearted son.  Joe is 8 1/2 and still very much a little boy in many ways but like Abi wise beyond his years.  Joseph has always clearly shown (from the first moment we met him) how much he is craving to be Mothered.  He hugs and cuddles with me and isn't shy to hug me and say "I love you" in front of other kids.  Although he has always been responsive to Omar his preference to be Mothered was obvious.  That is probably the biggest change I have seen in him.....his transition into a very close relationship with his Daddy.  He will now go to his Dad for anything and everything just as easy as me.  He still craves Mommy time which is fine with me since I know from experience he will outgrow this very soon. 

Joseph is an AMAZING athlete and he is most comfortable playing sports.  Soccer is his first passion (and he's raising some eyebrows with coaches in our community) but he is loving every sport he is being introduced to especially baseball.  When Joseph is involved in a sport his shyness just DISAPPEARS.  He is so physically confident.....it is an amazing thing to watch. 

Some of Joseph's challenges these first 11 weeks have been his shyness towards school and other kids, completely shutting down when he doesn't get his way (just like his Sister), and learning to cling to me a little less and trust his new world.  Reading and writing have come a little easier for Joe mainly because he is younger and only in first grade (now second this fall).

Joseph also handles challenges with humor but unlike Abi he does get his feelings hurt much easier and sometimes will cry for what seems like no reason.  He can turn on the tears at any give time!  But, in just 11 short weeks we are seeing this happen much less....in fact as I write this and think about it I realize this has become very rare.

Some pics of our sweet and talented son:

Learning to ride a bike

First MLB game The Colorado Rockies Denver, Co

Sucking down a Coca Cola as quick as he can before someone tells him he can't have any more!

Back at the hotel showing off his foul ball he got at his first MLB game!!

At my Mom's house in Denver posing with his Dad, Abi and his cousin Dylan

And here is a pic of the 4 of us at the Rockies game:

Having a blast taking them to their first MLB game!!

I've been asked several times now that they have been home almost 3 months what we would have done different if we could.  I don't have a good answer to that.  I'm sure there are things we SHOULD have done differently but I honestly don't know what they are.  I am not a person that tends to have regrets.  I know that the way these 3 months have unfolded is what has molded us into a family.  Good or bad it is what it is.  We are all figuring out each other's personalities and things just seem to feel more and more settled as time goes by.  I find myself often having "aha" moments where I figure out something about each of them and I just store it away in my mind for future reference and part of my knowledge base on each of my kids.  With bio kids we don't notice this so much because things are so innate.  Having completely raised two bio sons I notice the differences between bio and adopted relationships and it is fascinating.  I also notice very obvious moments where we "settle" just a little more.  We go about our day to day activities and then all the sudden I will just "feel" a little shift.  It is subtle but yet strong enough to catch my attention.

The things that I think have been instrumental in Abi and Joseph adjusting so well go against almost everything we read about bringing adopted kids home and the first several weeks.  Adoption books and training suggest that you kind of cocoon yourself with your kids and avoid too many activities outside the home to enable bonding and adjustment.  For whatever reason this just didn't feel right to us and didn't feel like it was the right thing for Abi and Joseph.  When we got them home (after a day or two of rest) we literally just went on with our lives.  We wanted them to feel like they are a normal part of our lives and so we just conducted our lives that way.  I had every intention to wait at least 2 weeks before starting them in school but Abi really wanted to go so we visited their new school only 3 days after they arrived and then they started the following week.  Once Joseph visited the school even he, in his shyness, wanted to go.  The absolute best thing I feel we did for them was sign them up for soccer before they even got here so they could play the spring season.  It enabled them to socialize with American kids and families in a very familiar environment.....soccer.  For Joseph this was DEFINITELY the best place for him to spend part of his first few weeks and Abi as well. 

I don't want to suggest that adoptive parents ignore the advice and training they are given but I do want to urge parents to listen to their gut and pay attention to the personalities of their kids and take their cues from them.  Don't over analyze and try to be perfect.  Since when is parenting a perfect science??  I also want to suggest that older kids will need something completely different than little ones the first few weeks.  Older kids have a very strong desire to BELONG.  I feel like the things we did the first few weeks taught them they BELONG in our family, BELONG at their school and BELONG with their soccer teams which made them feel like they belong in their new world. 

Well enough for now....I know this is a long post.  I just want to add that I am hoping to become a stronger advocate for older child adoption and not sure how to accomplish that.  Our experience has been amazing and I know many other families can have similar experiences and even in those situations where the older child does not adjust as well the success stories in the end with an older child can be extraordinary.